Myself

I was unpacking boxes last night and found all my old journals and diaries that I haven't cracked open since they were written in.  I spent a good two hours reading through old entries-- some funny, most very painful.  I found a journal I kept when I was 16 and on the verge of suicide.  The sad thing was that my depression wasn't displayed in just that one journal, but in every journal I had kept since then-- a major, recurring theme, the motif of my life.  I sat and cried over the pain I had felt-- pain that overwhelmed and suffocated me for so many years.  Then I cried because I don't feel that kind of hurt anymore-- not that deep, cutting hurt.  Thank God.  Thank God.

I also came across a favorite poem of mine and thought I'd share it.  I'm not sure who the author is, but I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

Myself
I have to live with myself, and so,
I want to be fit for myself to know.
I want to be able, as days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to go out with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.
I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect.
For here in the struggle for fame and self,
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
I'm a bluster, a bluff, an empty snow.
I never can hide myself from me -
I see what others can never see.
I know what others may never know.
I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

Comments

[Lauren]

Wow. I find myself at a loss for words to describe how reading that makes me feel. It is...just...well, beautifully real. Thank you for sharing that, Shayne. And congrats on your new apartment...it's amazing!

[greg mck.]

wow- that said everything i needed to hear! i printed it out so i can read it again and again. you can fool others or put on a "front" but u can't fool yourself...

[Garrett]

Its hard to read this tonight, knowing that Shayne did take her life years later.

[Gwen Mckee]

Rest in Peace my dear friend. You will always be in my heart! Love you!!

[Melissa Stephens]

Dear Garrett:
I am not sure that you are putting her family first by making this comment. They are going through a terrible time in the loss of Shayne. Can you delete this comment out of respect for her and her sweet family? I know that they would appreciate it. Sometimes, just showing respect is the best thing.

[greg mckinney]

I miss u Shayne. I think of u soooo much and imagine what could have been, what should have been, and morn what'll never be.
The poem is just as beautiful and relevant to me as it was 5 years ago when i left a comment.
I Love U Shayne